THE FALL

A Deeper Look at Trauma and Disease

So my last blog was the PG version of this story.

I now want to share a little more about the history that led me to the point of deep burnout. Let’s get a little more raw and real for a moment.

I have explained that a big cause of my journey towards rock bottom was overworking and STRESS. I was suppressing my emotions, over exercising and experiencing a LACK of sleep due to being so anxious. All this caused my nervous system to become chronically dysregulated. I was running on adrenaline and causing all sorts of damage to my physical and mental health as a result without even being aware that I was doing so at the time. Reflecting back on it now, it was a form of serious self sabotage.

In the years before getting sick I had experienced serious, prolonged trauma in my personal life. The conflict I experienced was because of a lack of relational skills and emotional maturity from myself and others. Let’s face it, hurt people, hurt people. Although I found strength to break free from that cycle, I did not know how to get the right support, or create the space to truly heal myself and so this trauma just kept looping in my body and mind.

You see, trauma isn’t just what happens to you, but rather the response in your spirit and nervous system as a result. It’s not about “how bad” things are, it’s about how the fear, stress and anxiety gets stuck in our system affecting us on so many levels. It’s what happens when we are overwhelmed and don’t feel safe. Living in a constant state of fight or flight is extremely taxing on the whole being.

Much of my past trauma has since been integrated and continues to heal. Now many important relationships are actually stronger than ever. I am not sharing about my past troubles to blame anyone; but to acknowledge the role that emotional trauma played in my health collapsing. Those challenges actually have taught me compassion. Compassion for people that haven’t yet learnt how to process emotions in a healthy way. In these cases relationships get toxic when the pressure is on and everything spirals out of control.

I know now everyone will react and deal with certain situations from their own deep set beliefs and prior conditioning. Experiences shape us, especially as children when we are like sponges and whatever way we were raised seems to set the tone for how we approach, process and react to situations as adults. Let me make it clear that this ISN’T our fault.

What IS our responsibility though is to become aware of these things and understand that our parents are not responsible for healing us, it’s our job. They were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. So I believe that it’s our job to become aware of the generational cycles and habitual patterns that we get stuck in, to break them and give our inner child what it needs to thrive. Not only for ourselves but for our children and our children’s children. We owe it to ourselves and we owe it to THEM.

Another wave of emotional pressure hit me just before I got really unwell, when I experienced a big heartbreak. I’ve had a couple of those in my life but that particular experience was HARD for numerous reasons. I don’t need to go into the nitty gritty but stress and grief flooded my system, in a way I hadn’t felt before. So of course it was uncomfortable as fuck. I actually think due to the high levels of trauma I already had in my system, when this happened it layered on top and I just went into shock. Our systems final defence is actually freeze mode. It’s now clear thats what happened, so I didn’t have to feel it. I don’t even think I shed a tear or felt anything for about a year, even though I was actually totally overwhelmed. This is a dangerous place to be.

What I learnt the hard way, is that one way or another we have to feel it all EVENTUALLY.

Either your physical body gets sick or your mind, or your job, or your finances. That which is suppressed will come up somehow. After that year of intense grief, my body kind of shut down.

I lost my period. For two and a half years. A true sign of a system collapsing.

I now have this back thankfully.

Healing began when I accepted medical help but this only got me so far. I also needed alternative and natural medicine to fully support my recovery. Healing the deep trauma in my system was not something the western medical system could really help with.

I found some amazing Chinese Medicine practitioners and my Rose witch (she knows who she is) to help with the “letting go” aspect of this stored stress. These modalities helped with opening my system again to process the trauma stuck in my body and mind. This all took time but has been incredibly successful. I knew I had to find a way to properly let go of all these things but I simply didn’t know how. People would tell me time and time again “just let go” and I was like well fuck, I want to more than anything, but if you could tell me how that would be great! Turns out that’s not a thing. Haha. Easier said than done.

Different things work for different people I guess. But you need to be ready and willing for change.

It eventually happened, my period returned and I started to feel actual feelings more clearly again. It was a very magical and mystical experience. Something I can’t fully articulate. But that healing process made me understand there is support which is bigger than me. I learnt to put full faith in the universe and TRUST that source, our creator has a greater plan for my life than I do. Finding that strength to let go and allow the universe to take care of things. My life has been crazy beautiful ever since.

There’s something to be said for letting go of CONTROL. For opening to faith.

I have worked hard to process those past pains and I most certainly do have residual wounding that’s left behind. The heart, soul, body and mind takes time to rebuild and reshape. Deep below the surface there are still scars, but that’s OK!

I am aware of this and working daily to not let it affect my relationships in the present and use it to my benefit, as a valuable tool. It’s all a work in progress but I think I’m doing pretty damn well. I am blessed to have a VERY supportive partner who listens, understands and is there for me unconditionally which has been a game changer for me. Having that safe space, trust and open honest communication has completely changed the way I view intimate relationships. Having the hard conversations and BOTH of us are consciously choosing to do things differently this time around to achieve a different outcome than we have experienced before.

Being brave enough to admit that I was out of my depth, that I can’t fix everything through just the physical level and opening myself to a genuine desire for transformation. That was essential to bringing me back from the brink. It takes a lot of courage to let your old life die, so a new one can be born.

I would like to leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Albert Einstein to sit with-

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

This story has many layers, just like we do. I want this information to be accessible and digestible so am releasing it piece by piece. Stay tuned for next weeks edition of this wild journey towards wholeness.