REBIRTH...

Hello beautiful friends,

Starting a blog is something that I’ve thought about for quite some time now. I think it’s taken me this long to begin because of fear.

Fear rearing it’s ugly head, me listening to the stories I was playing over and over, giving me every reason why I shouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable, why I shouldn’t allow myself to speak my truth, why I shouldn’t allow myself to share this story.

This fear was about being judged. The same old story that goes - “ you’re not worthy, you’re not good enough, no one will care about what you have to say, people might think your trying to get attention or people will think you’re weak when you’ve only shown a side of yourself that was strong, motivating, powerful and when you had it altogether” bla bla bla.

The question then presented itself “did I really have it all together before?

If I am to be honest. The answer is most definitely NO!

It is quite ironic. Yes there was a time where I was soaring. I was helping people become stronger, happier, more confident versions of themselves. I was strong, I was powerful, I was happy and I was empowering others from this place; because I embodied it, and I was speaking my truth.

Until I wasn’t.

There was a time when I felt massive pressure to keep up this image even though, inside i’d already totally crumbled, emotionally and spiritually.

I’d set the benchmark.

How could Tawna who was an advocate for using physical health to transform mental health; be suffering from poor mental health herself? Truth is, in the previous years, physical exercise WAS my tool and the only way I knew how to cope with whatever was going on. Exercise did transform my mental health when I was suffering post natal depression after having Indie at 24 years young. That journey was the inspiration for starting my business in the first place. It made me feel good. It worked. Until it didn’t.

Was I now then a liar!? Was everything I believed false? I suffered a massive identity crisis until I realised all that was also just A STORY I had created and believed as truth. (Note to self- I am not my thoughts) and I have the power to change the story. So here I go.

It’s time to rewrite that story and to share it.

I recently wrote n instagram post about what I experienced in the past year or so. For those of you that haven’t read it, here it is below - this sets the scene for what I am wanting to explore moving forwards.

Over the next few weeks, months or however long it takes I will start sharing my story and more importantly what I learn and how I continue transforming in the process.

This is a journey of rebirth.

The Journey So Far

Bit of real talk for your Monday morning. Felt inspired and ready to share some of what’s been going on in my world in the past year purely in the hope to be able to help even one person that may have been through or who are currently going through any struggles at this time.

Let’s get real and say that this past year has been tough on so many levels for a lot of us. If we didn’t know before how uncertain and unpredictable life can be at times, 2020 was a year that proved this very fact.

Today I started my day at 5am with a 20 minute Vedic meditation to ground myself and begin to chip away at the layers of stress I’ve accumulated within my body over my life time. Followed by an hour power vinyasa yoga class to connect to my body and my breath. Allowing me to be present. Post yoga was spent naked swimming in the lake. Truly immersing myself in the cold water to activate the stress response. Finding some comfort in the uncomfortable (is it weird I like it!?). Don’t find it cold enough now after some practice 🤣. Came home to a nourishing breakfast and will head to train some mamas soon which gives me purpose and joy. Then I will go and get my beautiful daughter and hang with her while she recovers from her tonsillectomy (man I LOVE that human)

These are some of the tools I have learnt to incorporate into my day to manage stress, to ground my mind, body and soul. The reason I share those things is about a year ago I burnt myself out big time.

Overworking, suppressing emotions that needed to be dealt with, distracting myself with anything other than what I needed to face. Giving my energy to everybody else but forgetting about myself and what my needs were. Forgetting that my cup was the most important cup to fill first because reality is, if my cup is empty how can I fill anyone else’s up!? Because of this I fell into a deep depression, something I never thought I’d ever experience in my lifetime. Not until you go through something like that, can you truly understand what it’s like.

What it’s like to never want to get out of bed and quite frankly never want to wake up again. This all happened before I had a chance to realise how rock bottom I’d gotten. I ignored the warning signs. At the time I was very resistant to taking medication as I prided myself on being “natural” and didn’t want to give in to chemicals. I wouldn’t even take panadol at the time.

I finally accepted medical help and it truly saved my life! After a few months the fog lifted and I built myself again from the ground up. I look at it as having a dark night of the soul, a chance to be reborn and for that I am so grateful. I shed the old Tawna. For me I’d call it an awakening. I shed the parts of me that didn’t serve me and what I was left with was what is really important. The things I thought mattered, truly don’t. I was FREE.

I am now off medication altogether as I felt stable and ready to do that. I have the tools in place to navigate my way through life’s daily challenges again. Moral of this story is. it’s OK to ask for HELP if you need it. It’s NOT a sign of weakness. Medication is there to HELP you get on your feet when you need it. Unfortunately there is still a MASSIVE stigma around mental health which makes it VERY hard to admit when you are having a tough time. There is still so much judgment around it and it doesn’t surprise me why people hide and suppress when they are struggling and to be honest why the suicide rate in NZ is one of the highest in the world. We need to change this!

Just know you are loved, you are worthy and you deserve a beautiful and happy life. Everyone does. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Take a moment and close your eyes. Feel your heart beating through your chest. That’s not by accident. You are meant to be here. To be here to do GREAT things. Thank you to all the people that were there for me when I needed them the most. You know who you are ♥️

I now know the true meaning of “your struggles in life only make you stronger” and for that I am eternally grateful.

So excited about life and what’s to come. Ohhhh what a time to be alive.