THE SHEDDING... Desire, addictions and the EGO...

Last night as I was teaching yin yoga and sitting with the “discomfort”, observing the everchanging sensations that were arising + passing throughout my body- it got me reflecting on this past week and a half free from social media and the radical change I experienced internally that has led me here sharing this piece of writing.

It has always been these occurrences throughout my life that are experienced on an experiential level, that shift and transform me to a degree that can’t be understood logically. Only when it is felt within my body is when I am able to make true and ever lasting change. I have never once thought my way into change.

The ever-changing sensations that I was experiencing while I was teaching, were reflecting back to me the law of impermanence. The reminder that everything is constantly changing, that nothing stays the same. I wanted to find words to articulate what has been the catalyst for this shift to convey it to all of you in the hope it may help you understand my choices going forward, so here we go…

I am constantly asking clients to consider their “why”- what is the why behind everything that they do.

Asking them to ask themselves on a regularly-

Are you doing something because it serves your overall health, wellbeing and goals long-term? Or are you allowing yourself to lead by desire?

A desire that we “think” will give us some sort of fulfillment? To follow that “thing” thinking that it will give us something in return.

Maybe to fill up somewhere inside us we feel that is lacking, empty or in void?

Maybe to use that desire as a vice to numb or distract ourselves from something that’s nagging us from within that is begging for our attention that we don’t want to look at; or is it something that we want to avoid feeling?

I spent a weekend recently in deep meditation. Something I consciously choose to do on a regular basis, in different forms, with different teaching styles but all with very similar benefits. I am discovering that they all have the same ultimate truth but challenge my mind in different ways. Bring it, show me what ya got. You aint gonna kill me, I say…

I seem to continuously get internally pulled back into these periods of time sitting with just me. Sitting with myself has always been one of the hardest things I ever choose to do; but as always- on the flipside of this- the most rewarding gifts I can ever give myself.

Shedding layer after layer + each time I feel lighter. It allows me to see clearly, free from the burdens that were weighing heavy on my body and mind. A sense of clarity that brings me so much joy, grounding and ultimately presence.

Peeling back these dense layers that have accumulated over this lifetime or past lifetimes, feels like an insatiable hunger that lingers in the background of my consciousness. I still haven’t decided if this feeling is a blessing or a curse but I’m here for it and it’s become a core part of who I am. The motivation to break negative ancestral patterns. Ultimately this drives the hunger I have within for growth, freedom and the evolution of self for all the current and future generations to come.

I am no stranger to meditation retreats; this time however was different from all the others.

Lifechanging lessons were made apparent.

Sometimes we show ourselves where we need to direct our energy. Where we are serving ourselves and where we simply are not.

What needs to be let go of to allow space for what’s next.

To be given the opportunity to observe what we have been clinging so tightly to.

In my case an identity, a story I had created.

All of this came into fruition from conditioning and subconscious beliefs from the past. Things that I had allowed to run the show. Mostly without knowing this was happening in the background. Things that I now understand that I have the power to change and have changed.

One of the stories I had created gave me a false sense of safety.

An illusion of security, an illusion of acceptance of self.

One that kept my ego cup filled up to the brim daily. One that gave me cheap dopamine hits hundreds of times a day.

My “social media” identity was just one of these lessons that has initiated change. Another catalyst.

As much as this may not seem like a huge deal for some, to me it’s huge. I’ve lived the past 6 years or so addicted and in service to this thing. Creating my brand around the “I”.

I was the brand.

Part of my job was to post photos and sell products and use “me” as the selling point. My body as the display- go figure.

What initially started as a business to show other mama’s that they too held the power to transform themselves from the inside out after having a child - mentally, emotionally, physically + energetically because I too had done that.

To show them and to teach them that they still mattered. That their needs still mattered.

That they still deserved to show themselves love and care. That they could be the most confident they had ever been in their own skin even after one of their greatest initiations of their lives.

As my business took off REALLY rapidly, so did the focus. Around my social media presence anyway. It became too egoic and pulled me away from the importance of why I started in the first place.

Throughout my journey thus far- I have encountered multiple highs and multiple lows. Lows so low that they have almost literally taken my life.

All of these encounters have taught me valuable and crucial lessons.

All of these I am forever grateful for; as it’s allowed me to learn, grow, change and ultimately share from lived experience my learnings and teachings that I know have helped others deeply on their journey.

It has shaped me into the person I am today and allowed me to change my entire business model to treat not only myself but also my clients holistically. BUTTT-

There is a flipside to this, a shadow side for me at times with certain posts I would produce.

Being brutally honest with myself now, it was to simply validate myself. To fill up parts of myself that I felt were “lacking” at the time. Looking for something external of myself to give me what I thought I couldn’t give myself.

I now know with absolute certainty that nothing was ever lacking. I am full, whole, complete right now and I have never felt so fulfilled, aligned, free and trusting in my entire life.

I don’t need anything from the social media platform to validate me. I never did. Everything I ever needed was always inside of myself. ALWAYS was. Sometimes we just need a wakeup call.

I am writing these words today as I felt like it would be a disservice to the community I have created since 2016 to not elaborate as to why my relationship to the online world has changed and why it’s so important to me that it does. The blood, the sweat the tears. The joy, the laughter and love we have cultivated together over the years deserves an explanation.

Instead of the classic hundies all or nothing Tawna like I initially was going to do, I have taken a breath and decided to keep it active but only to share events, programs, + teachings that I feel called to share with others.

My “why” has always been to help and to be of service to others by sharing from lived experience. I have found this creates deep trust, safety and understanding between myself and others. Something that can only be resonated with someone that’s lived it too. Someone that’s fought some warrior battles and got to the other side. To share tools to overcome this hard thing we call life but also share the joys and the absolute GIFT and blessing it is to be alive. F*ck we are lucky to be here and to be able to experience all the epic shit we get to.

I feel it’s my dharma and I will continue to follow what feels right in each and every moment, until that changes again…because let’s be real, it will.

The way I deliver my services will also be changing to honor you guys and myself in a more genuine way, more on that in a few weeks. One step at a time hey…

I would like to leave you with some important + potent learnings-

It’s been made painfully apparent to me that absolutely everything has a shadow side. There is what we label as “good” and “bad”.

If we over indulge in too much of anything, whether that be drugs, sex, alcohol, food, exercise, social media etc you WILL eventually find yourself off kilter and you will pay the price.

This is DUALITY.

This is balance.

Everything finds it’s way back into homeostasis in some way or another. That’s nature. I have experienced this multiple times now in my lifetime. (How many times do ya gotta go round the block though ayeee). Last time I promise… hehe

If some of you recall me burning out from suppressing emotion + “bad” experiences with drinking and drugs in my early 20’s and then losing my cycle due to more unprocessed emotion sitting in my tissues in my early 30’s.

Stuck emotion = depression, anxiety.

Depression- is really just your bodies way of asking for deep rest. To feel whatever, you are ignoring. To feel so you can release it and set it free. The freedom on the other side of that discomfort is my form of ecstasy. (Wow how times have changed).

Ask yourself- what’s worse, carrying pain from past every single day or facing it and yeah, it’s uncomfortable AF but once it’s felt and I mean truly felt- It has NO hold on you anymore. I know what I choose anyway. I love that SHIT. You do you...

Remember you don’t have to carry the heavy stuff that’s weighing you down. It is you that is choosing to do that.

There is no one else to deflect or blame.

No one external of yourself can make you feel a certain way.

You are making it about everyone else except yourself.

You have to be the one to face yourself. To take responsibility for your emotions, actions and reactions.

To face the fire. No one else but you can do that for you. But you.

My body found a way to stop me because I stopped listening. I stopped honoring myself. I stopped taking care of and loving myself.

I am now listening so hard. I love myself so frickin hard. I won’t allow myself to go down a road that depletes me and my being again. This means that I’m solely responsible for all of my choices that influence my wellbeing.

My nature has always been giving every ounce of my soul to everyone else, outsourcing my energy and forgetting to give back to me because of this hunger to help others. This is where I went wrong in the past. Burnt out and I had nothing to give myself and I lost everything for a moment in time. This is a huge reason why I am changing how I show up in my work, so my question to you to ponder is-

Where are you self-abandoning your needs for the sake of others?

What are you using to fill a void or as a source of validation?

Can you sit with yourself and be truly honest with yourself?

How long does that thing you’ve chosen fulfill you for? Or have you noticed that it just leaves you feeling even more empty after that initial desire has been gained? Have you thought about the possibility that it’s actually the feeling of “getting” the desire that you actually are chasing. Not the desire itself.

If we choose to self-abandon our inner knowing around what serves us in the long term or not, what may even seem like a very subtle self-abandonment at the time actually has the greatest consequence.

The price you have to ultimately pay is too high and how you know this is the suffering that you endure after you make those choices. The aversion, the pain, the discomfort in the body and the mind. Remembering that they are not separate. These sufferings can be very hard to come back from if we push too far and keep following and chasing the desire instead of having an equanimous balanced mindset.

Where are you out of balance?

What do you need to let go of?

What areas of your life need some equanimity injected into it?

In what parts of your life are you being inauthentic, lacking integrity or simply lying to yourself around distractions or addictions?

This isn’t to say we aren’t allowed to desire things. It is to not feed the desire in an unhealthy way that becomes addicted or reliant on the source of pleasure.

That is when we set ourselves up for suffering. When we allow the things to control us. The key is actually getting to the root of what is causing you to chase the addiction in the first place. To feel and release so there is nothing that you need to keep running away from. The sooner we become aware of these vices the better,

We all are guilty of this; we are only human and it is all apart of the human experience and that’s ok.

Give yourself some love and compassion.

We’re all out here doing the best we can with what we have, what we know and our own level of awareness.

With what was meant to just be an Instagram post explaining my reason to pull back from this platform has quickly turned into a novel but everything felt really important to express as I started writing everything continued to flow. As this will be the last post from me for a long while I’d say, everything needs to be out on the table. This is my cathartic release.

Choosing to end this writing in the way I started it- sitting in the “discomfort” of being raw, open, vulnerable. Noticing the sensations in my body- changing, changing, changing. Just as my yoga + vipassana meditation practice so beautifully allows me to experience on an experiential level daily.

The law of impermanence. For right now I will only share and show up online when it feels authentic and in integrity with myself and in service for you. Not to only benefit me. It is not about ME it is about WE.

I am still integrating changes and shifts that I am coming to peace with within my business and the changes that are about to come, so please allow me some grace while I go through this process.

This is how I can better serve you, even though it may not feel like it when the changes come.

So finally- here I am day after my breakthroughs. Bare faced, cleansed in the mighty Clutha River, naked, no filter cuz natural is where it’s at- like I said, no one to impress or to prove anything to. Shedding another layer, showing up, not running away as my old default setting was. In my experience- it will all catch up with you eventually anyway. Why prolong the inevitable?

Standing in my current truth for you, for me, love you…

THANK YOU for being on this journey with me xoxo